It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Galatians 5:1

Unfortunately, the link I gave you to yesterday's story of my coming back to the Lord was locked and no one could view it. (DUH!) I went back and unlocked it so if any of you are interested in my coming back to the Lord please click on this link: http://bigbrowatching.mindsay.com/blog_175_please_read.mws.

Again, I want to invite everybody from this blog, to come to my other blog BigBroWatching. I have three blogs but I am consolidating this one and ChiTownFreak25 into my BigBroWatching blog. I have quite a story to tell you and I HIGHLY recommend that you read this before you go over to my BigBroWatching blog: Please read this entry (in my BigBroWatching blog) about my coming back to Christ, and please, if you want to be in my network, don't hesitate to ask!

 

http://bigbrowatching.mindsay.com/blog_175_please_read.mws 

I, Emily, actually have 3 blogs: BigBroWatching, ChiTownFreak25 and AbbasChild25.

 

ChiTownFreak25 was my personal blog for the longest time (over two years - until I switched to BigBroWatching).

 

AbbasChild25 was my spiritual blog dedicated to Christ - but that blog has long been forgotten.

 

Instead of keeping up with three blogs, I'm going to go back and get all the "really good" entries from AbbasChild25 and ChiTownFreak25 and impart them into my BigBroWatching blog. I'm going to post this same message on ChiTownFreak25 and on AbbasChild25 and hope my friends on those blogs will come and join me at BigBroWatching. Now that I've turned my life around and have started living for Christ again, I can't wait to start blogging about Him and bringing back the old blogs from AbbasChild25 and ChiTownFreak25 that meant so much.

 

Anyone who wants to join me and be in my network is certainly welcome!

 

So, did I totally confuse you???

Abba Father,

 

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

 

AbbasChild25

I want to cut, mangle, scream, bleed...'cause I'm so lost and no one understands.  

 

Does anybody know how I feel? 
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release

 

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

 

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees

 

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me

 

And I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand

 

Stand

 

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

 

I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
I don't have to bleed for Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
Don't have to bleed
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening
And I don't have to scream

 

"Scream" by Zoegirl

I'm such an up and down believer. When things are good for me,  I trust in God. When things are bad for me, I  think He's cruel and evil. Something terrible happened to me tonight. I don't want to go into details but it involves my stupid Borderline Personality Disorder and a relationship. I'll always see things in black and white, all or nothing, good or bad. I'll never see things in between or in the gray. I'll always see things in absolutes. See how I'm "talking"? Always. Never. Absolutes. I don't believe God is stronger than my Borderline Personality Disorder. I've prayed to Him for help and He allows things to happen. I'm up and down, all over the place with my BPD and with my Christianity. What Christianity? If I had any real faith I wouldn't question God when things didn't go my way. Look at Hannah. She praised the Lord all of the days of her life. Even before she became pregnant with Samuel, she continued praising her God for His mercies even though He hadn't met the desires of her heart. HOW DID SHE DO THAT??? Someone human and fallible hurt me and I turn and blame all my hurt and anger on God. How will I ever be strong in my faith?

I was talking to my therapist the other night about finding satisfaction in God. In my Bible study, Breaking Free, we are discussing the benefits of knowing God personally, and one of the benefits is finding satisfaction in God. This is an excerpt from the Bible study by Beth Moore:

 

In Jeremiah 31:25, the Hebrew word for satisfy is male meaning "to fill, accomplish, the filling of something that was empty...the act of replenishment as well as the experience of satiation." The word faint is da'ab meaning "to pine" (Strong's). We can easily be led into captivity by seeking other answers to needs and desires only God is equipped to meet. How often do we "pine" for something we can't identify? Perhaps each of us has experienced a longing or an empty place deep inside that we tried our best to ignore.

A very crucial part of fleshing out our liberation in Christ means allowing Him to fill the empty places in our lives. Satisfaction in Christ can be a reality. I (Beth Moore) know from experience, and I want everyone to know how complete He can make us feel. I'm not talking about a life full of activities. I'm talking about a soul full of Jesus.

The filling only He can give does not automatically accompany our salvation. I was in my early 30s before I understood the huge difference between salvation from sin and satisfaction of the soul. Salvation secures our lives for all eternity. Soul satisfaction insures abundant life on earth.

 

My therapist and I had come to the conclusion that no one can be ultimately fulfilled this side of heaven. Otherwise, we wouldn't have need for God after we found that fulfillment. Why would Paul want to leave this earth and go to heaven so badly if he could be totally fulfilled here on earth? I wasn't talking about the absence of pain and suffering, though. I know we live in a fallen world and there will be pain and suffering as long as we are on this earth. What I'm talking about is my painful attachments to authority figures. I KNOW another human being cannot fulfill me and satisfy me - that's a job that only Christ can do. But I'll be darned if I know how to turn to Him and ask Him to do that for me. I clearly am still overly attached to my therapist: I want her to be everything to me - my savior, my mommy, my best friend, my mentor, my buddy, my therapist, etc. But she can't be all this even if she wanted to! Only God can meet all those needs for me. So I was confused. My therapist says God can't totally fulfill us this side of heaven, Beth Moore says God can...it was enough to make my head spin. I went into her office crying and she told me that Beth Moore is not the Word of God, she herself (my therapist) is not the Word of God, the Word of God is the Holy Bible and I should delve into it and pray and ask God to reveal to me exactly what I want to know about satisfaction and fulfillment this side of heaven. I told her this is so hard because of my BPD; I see everything in absolutes and I'm terrified of being abandoned, even by God. She said I would have to pray for clear lenses when I am reading His Word and praying.  

We then started talking about specific verses. She said some of them were HARD verses. In the Bible it says if you have faith you can move mountains. She has a brother who is not a believer and she's been praying for years that he would become a believer. He's not yet one - so does that mean she just doesn't have enough faith? There are verses that say things like God will give you the desires of your heart, but what about couples experiencing infertility? Are they lacking faith? Those are hard questions to ask and answer. I don't have an answer to those questions. All I know, though, is that God is good, and faithful, and loving and just. Whether or not I ever find an answer to my question, I will follow Him.

I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday. I just came home from seeing my therapist and she always helps to put things in perspective. I read to her yesterday's entry and told her how frustrated I am feeling with God. I told her I've been getting different advice from different people (not my Mindsay friends) and I just end up feeling confused. She told me I needed to go back to what I said to her last Tuesday - I need to find my answers with just God. No human can give me all the answers. The answers are in His word and I need to dig and look for myself. We talked about my Borderline Personality Disorder. She said I have to pray that when I'm praying and reading the Word I'll look at everything through a clear lens and not a black and white lens and not a victim tinted lens. It makes sense - everything in my life is tainted by my BPD so it makes sense to ask the Lord to remove that from my prayer life and my time with Him. I'm still going to do Beth Moore's Breaking Free but I'm realizing that her Bible study, as great as it may be, is not the Word of God. My therapist went over the hour with me and I could tell she genuinely cared about me and loved me buy the way she ministered to me this evening. Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of ***** in my life. Thank you, Lord, that you ARE stronger than BPD.

I'm so overwhelmed and frustrated. With God. Yes, with God. I am such an emo person and yet when I talk to God, I feel nothing. I know faith is based on fact, not feeling, but in my 27 years of being a believer I just don't get it. I get the salvation thing. That's easy enough. That's God's free gift to us and all we have to do is accept it. What I don't get it the abundant Christian life thing. I don't get how you have a relationship with God. I don't get where the satisfying part comes in. In my Beth Moore Breaking Free study I learned today that one of the benefits of knowing God is being satisfied by Him. I feel anything but! Then that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong and I berate myself and find myself not wanting to have anything to do with Him because He won't help me out or show me the light, so to speak. Everyone around me has this life that I envy and so want to live; I just don't know how to get it!!! Tears are falling down my face as I write this. It seems that God shows me a little bit of His goodness and then totally withdraws.

I am such a fickle human. When things are going well I am OK with God, but when things aren't going well I totally blame everything on the Lord. I don't know how to NOT be that way and is disheartening. I want to be steadfast and faithful no matter my circumstances, but that doesn't seem to be the case with me. And then now, when things are going OK, I feel as far away from God as I do from my sister who's in New York. When will I get it? When will I get how to rest in the Lord? How to walk with the Lord? How to be holy because He is holy? How to live the abundant Christian life? How to find peace and satisfaction in Him? I've been a Christian for 20+ years and I still am an infant in my faith. I totally don't get it.

I have this stupid disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, that makes me see things in black or white, good or bad, all or nothing. I have that attitude with the Lord. I am trying my hardest to overcome it, but I honestly think that this disorder is stronger than my God. I guess that's akin to someone with cancer saying their cancer is stronger than God. Sometimes He chooses to heal the cancer, and sometimes He doesn't. Mostly He doesn't. But so many patients learn to lean on Him during their illness. Why can't I do the same?

I'm so freaking frustrated. I just want to run away from God and never turn back. But I know that's not the answer and I know where that will get me in my life.

GOD, WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU OUT THERE FOR ME? WILL YOU PLEASE SHOW ME HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU? HOW DO I LIVE THE ABUNDANT CHRISTIAN LIFE? HOW DO I FIND PEACE AND SATISFACTION IN YOU? HOW DO I EVEN PRAY? WILL YOU SHOW ME THESE THINGS?

I would totally covet your prayers. I am struggling so much, yet nothing major is going on in my life. I hate this feeling. I really hate it.

 

 

I'm having a hard time doing my inventory. There's so much to it...and the part about God....there's SO MUCH to my relationship/lack of my relationship with Him. It's so overwhelming it's daunting.